Not My Problem
We’ve talked in previous emails about how, when left unchecked, our amygdala or “lizard brain” can be in charge of our control center. One of the most basic social instincts is the need for belonging. This need begins in childhood and we develop parts of ourselves to ensure that we can continue to belong. Growing up, people-pleasing and being hyper vigilant to shifts in others’ moods was the way I learned to keep myself safe and belonging. This resulted in high anxiety as I struggled to present myself in a certain way or wished that I could disappear under the floor. I carried this pattern into adulthood - every time I felt like my belonging was at risk the people-pleasing part of me would do her best to “fix” her environment to make it safe again which would inevitably make me feel scooped out and exhausted.
As I became more aware of my people-pleasing tendencies I adopted a mantra of “not my problem” when I feel myself wanting to overreach and fix someone else's practical or emotional issues, gradually learning to contain my own mental and emotional energy.
Last Friday was World Mental Health Awareness Day and the word we were thinking about at Ascendant Wellbeing was “surrender.” This word has the same flavour as “not my problem” as we can spend so much of our mental energy trying to control our environments and the people in them so that we ourselves can be ok. But all this does is keep us tangled up and overwhelmed. What if we could loosen our grip?
A mindfulness exercise that can be really powerful in helping us bring more awareness and compassion when we are in this state is called RAIN.
R - recognize what is happening. Pause and notice that you are caught in an emotional storm.
A - allow the experience to be there, just as it is. We don’t need to shame or judge ourselves, we can just let it be.
I - investigate with interest and care. Ask yourself what you are really feeling and how that feeling shows up in your body.
N - nurture with self-compassion. Ask yourself what you need most in the moment and offer it to yourself with kindness. It could be safety, understanding or love.
Try practicing this in a moment today when you have a challenging interaction with a loved one or colleague that knocks you off centre and you want to restore some balance. By practising reflections such as this one we can respond from a place of authenticity rather than people pleasing, helping us to gradually ease our grip whilst retaining our sense of self.